Deliver Us from Allen

If there ever was a politician who deserves to be sent to the dust heap of history this season, it's Republican Senator George Allen of Virginia. I can't vote in this one, given that I live about 1,000 miles away from the Old Dominion, but I would be thrilled if Virginians elected Jim Webb, the Democratic challenger.

Watching Allen self-destruct over the past three months has been like watching a car accident in slow motion. You can't believe it's happening, but you can't possibly turn away from the entire messy scene. First, Allen got caught in the "macaca" at a videotaped campaign appearance in which he lobbed a racial epithet at an Indian-American campaign worker for Webb. Allen's explanations for using the word ranged from silly to just plain weird. But the damage had been done.

Then we learned the news that Allen's grandfather was actually Jewish. His entire approach to this information was bizarre. First, he issued statements in which he railed against those who would "cast aspersions" on him by alleging that he had Jewish blood. Excuse me? Who would consider that an aspersion to be cast unless he believed that actually being a Jew was worthy of aspersion-ness? There are words for that and none of them are flattering. I don't doubt that Allen's mother had her reasons for not telling her family about her Jewish father. But, please, don't act like it was the equivalent of finding out that your grandfather robbed banks for a living. When Allen finally fessed up, he acknowledged that this all was true, but he really still liked pork chops. How do you respond to something like that?

Then the house of cards really began to fall. We learned about Allen's adventures in racist behavior while at the University of Virginia. We witnessed Allen attempt to change the subject about financial dealings he neglected to disclose to Congress. Then we watched Allen shamelessly court the votes of women by running ads featuring women in the military who claimed that Webb said or acted in a sexist manner toward them. Only they misquoted things Webb never actually said.

Finally, with his campaign in a free fall (and his presidential ambitions thankfully in the toilet), we find out what George Allen really has been doing with his time: reading Webb's novels and finding, horror of horrors, passages involving sex. That includes sex that might make some of the women characters out to not be pristine porcelain dolls, nevermind that these are novels about surviving as a soldier in wartime. This of course is evidence that Webb really harbors some hidden sexist beliefs that he has conveniently tucked deep inside his writing. (The fact that Webb has written more words in his novels than Allen probably has read in his entire life, notwithstanding.) Please stop! I'm having trouble catching my breath from laughing at this foolishness.

Just when you think George Allen couldn't possibly drive the discourse any lower, there he is, a few circles closer to perdition. Please, voters of the Commonwealth of Virginia, save us from having to witness any more of these embarrassments -- send Jim Webb to the U.S. Senate and return Allen to some horse farm in the Shenandoah Valley where he can do no harm.